My first damn post is about Apple computers: FUCK apple computers. I have a bitch and moan story of my own, involving a generation 2 ipod nano, in which the crappy metal case so sought after by apple addicts around the world completely FAILED to protect the internals of my little toy from the most insignificant amount of pressure. But that is the very very least of it.
My main gripe is with their laptops. I thought: I mean what kind of MORON pays so much money for so little in terms of hardware? I decided to give Apple a little benefit of the doubt; I thought I'd give them a chance to defend themselves. SO, I went to their webpage and found a list of reasons why people should switch to Apple. I'm so blind with rage right now I can barely THINK rationally. But I do know this:
Their list, MY ANSWERS: (http://www.apple.com/getamac/)
Number One:
APPLE SAYS they're computers are less crash resistant than PCs - that they just WORK. WHY? Oh, they say, because we make ALL the software that a mac user could ever need. WELL THEN WHY am I sitting in a room with two people typing away on MICROSOFT WORD, using MICROSOFT EXCEL and surfing the internet with FIREFOX? FUCK YOU APPLE.
Oh, and they say "just in case it breaks, call someone up, or take it to our "genius bar" (cute guys, but a fancy name doesn't mean SHIT). HOW IS THAT FASTER THAN CTRL-ALT-DEL? ITS NOT.
Number two:
This one makes me so angry I feel like smashing my OWN computer. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I could smash my PC and go out and buy another for the price of APPLE'S cheapest offering. HAHAHA!
...Anyways back to reason 2...
APPLE's argument in reason 2 is that windows programs do NOT WORK seamlessly with eachother AND that too many choices in terms of programs to use is BAD. Apple claims their programs DO work seamlessly together, and (yay for facism) there is only one program suite offered. This sorry excuse to buy an Apple is called iLife. EXCUSE ME? FIRST of all, I can install programs which go right into my right-click menu selection. Whats that? Whats right-clicking? OH YEAH, MACS have a one-button mouse. WHERE IS THE FUCKING RATIONAL THERE? WHY ISNT THAT ON THE LIST APPLE?
Here, I'll do it FOR YOU:
Reason 11 for switching to the MAC: you will never have to WORRY about having to many buttons on your MOUSE to choose between (yay for facism).
ANYWAYS, Windows features a near-universal clipboard, highly functional drag and drop AMONGST different brand-name programs, included media players and picture viewers and editors, and integrated burning software. Not to mention an integrated security suite which allows you to change all your security options in one place. So the bottom line is you don't need a lot of extra third-party stuff. Plus IE7 fucking kicks the shit out of Safari. Literally.
*Tangent* Media Bias? So I checked the reviews of IE7 and Safari on CNET, and CNET listed "integrated Google toolbar" as a quick-review positive for Safari, while talking in the full review about how it's sad you can't choose search engines for the search toolbar. There was nothing said about any such option in IE7 in the quick review section. Huh? NOT only can you switch between seach engines in IE in your search toolbar, but the way you do it is a simple button click next to the search toolbar and your taken to a list of search providers from which to choose your favorite. That's so goddamn easy, it makes me want to slap myself in the face.
Which leads me straight to reason number 4 (will return to reason number 3, which is so goddamn easy to answer it pratically gives me an aneurism just thinking about it). MACS DO NOT HAVE ANY VIRUSES BECAUSE NOBODY WRITES VIRUSES FOR MACS YET THANKS TO THEIR TINY-ASS MARKET SHARE. Oooh, here we go I hadn't even read this one fully but Apple tells us you can't turn the dialogue warning boxes off. WRONG. Apple says Safari is safe - well once again, why are both the people in the room I'm in using FIREFOX? Nuff fucking said. Finally, Apple is telling me, in the last paragraph, that security updates are downloaded from the apple server, and you can even do it automatically! LIKE WINDOWS FUCKING CANT DO THAT??? FUCK YOU APPLE!
reason number 3, is where Apple tells me that Macs are the only computers which can run OS X as well as Windows and Unix, etc. Ok well, the big claim Apple makes is that Macs can run OS X and Windows whereas PCs can only run Windows. WRONG! Google this shit: "OS X on pc". A QUICK NOTE - you'll notice something, one of the reasons you can't run OS X on a PC is because Apple made it ILLEGAL to run OS X on anything except apple hardware (yay fasicm). WOW, compared to Apple OS X, Microsoft Windows looks like a goddamn open-source project.
Reason number 5. Apple makes a blanket claim that OS X is better then Windows Vista. Honestly I'm not familiar with Windows Vista, but lets stack their latest OS X up with Windows XP (an OLDER OS so should NEVER beat OS X, right? You fucking for all the now now now thinkers?) Jesus the stuff in this reason just makes my mind numb. Like the spaces idea? Great - a desktop for your desktop. It's all meta and shit, which has appeal, if you have a Ph.D in philosophy, or like pain and frustration.
Additionally, once again we are shown the true stupidity of PCs, options, when Apple says Windows Vista sucks balls because it comes in different flavors. Fucking options, each additional one offering up the hated possibility of a personalized computing experience. Windows Vista comes in four flavors, ARG!! I'm allergic to ice cream, so this argument is lost on me, but I guess the fewer flavors the better. So Apple is like the fucking ice cream shop with just vanilla (yay facism). But wait, ever seen an ice cream shop with one fucking flavor? Answer: NO; it's the only business model worse than Enron's.
The SHIT-storm LEVEL of bullshit that is reason number 6 just makes my mind implode. I just can't believe this is on the list. Buy an Apple because it has Core 2 Duo Processors? FUCK YOU APPLE. THOSE EXACT SAME CHIPS ARE IN PCS, TOO. REMEMBER? YOU WERE THE ONES WHO CAME CRAWLING BACK TO INTEL. P.S. Apple, the extra FUCK YOU is the fact that you can buy many PCS and select the option of AMD OR INTEL architectures, and at Apple its only INTEL(yay facism).
Reason number 7. This one even Apple doesn't believe itself. FUCK YOU APPLE YOU LYING SACKS OF SHIT. IT STARTS with a CAVEAT "Almost everything works with a Mac". Hey guess, what, still had to hunt around on the internet for drivers to my Canon printer so I could install it on my girlfriend's computer. SURPRISE. Jesus, and they have the fucking nerve to pretend like a PC can't do the exact same fucking thing. I can plug any kind of shit into my PC I want, its called Plug and Play and it's come with PCs since the fucking dawn of windows. Fuck. Not to mention the shameless plug for Google at the bottom of expanded Reason 7 page. Fuck you and your false pro-consumer rhetoric, your just too insignificant in the personal computer market to succesfully fuck over consumers blatantly, but your attempt at creating your on little fuck-the-consumer empire is noted. Good try, but FUCK YOU APPLE.
Reason number 8. I'm smart enough (or lazy enough) to realize I shouldn't argue aesthetics. This may be the ONE reason I concede to Apple, NOT because I think they're computers are more beautiful than say, HPs new computers (which are sexy), but because you can't account for taste.
Reason number 9. Thank god I'm almost done with this list. I'm trying to be comprehensive but the sad fucking fact is that lot of these goddamn reasons are all the same thing and its starting to annoy me. Plus, the amount of time I've devoted to thinking about Apple, to this point, is more than they ever deserve. Right, reason number 9. Lets see...
Oh yeah instant video chats. At first I was confused - because nobody I know has EVER used their camera for more than the first couple of MINUTES they owned their MAC. But once I was reminded that camera existed I thought, wow that's a feature that's almost as useful as those Freud-head shaped loly-pops.
Reasons number 10-14. Oh hey more references to the iLife software package (yay facism). So I guess this is a list of 10 reasons why to buy the Apple. P.S. - In the particularly repetitious gem of hardened fecal matter which is the 10th reason, Apple claims they call it "plug and play" for a reason. That reason is also known as the reason WHY I BOUGHT A PC, FUCK YOU APPLE. Also, I do believe Plug and Play is a registered trademark of Microsoft, I'll have to notify them...
The final drop of shit in the toilet, the THANK GOD, final reason for why to buy a Mac is more just a generalized mess of touchy-feely excrement. Apple talks about how they save you the trouble uninstalling the software you don't want and installing the software you do buy only offering you one suite of software (yay facism). Apple again references poor Walt Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal who's same three quotes from an article of his have been used like the village bicycle throughout all of these pathetic reasons to purchase a Mac. Another reference to plug and play, which in no way is exclusive to Macs, caps the fucking list.
Thats all for now.
P.S.-
FUCK YOU APPLE
